“Mr. Mayor – You park like a c**t”

Exciting news from small town Bury St Edmunds this week when the mayor, Cllr. Terry Buckles, demonstrated how to park your car when he popped into the local Tesco Express!

According to one of his councillor mates, Mr Mayor’s brakes failed as he pulled up outside Tesco Express in Moreton Hall on the outskirts of the Suffolk town.

Cllr. Warby commented “Luckily enough it was an automatic sliding door that opened as he went forward, causing minimum damage to the car and to the store itself. Terry was shaken up and taken to hospital, but sent home later on.” There’s a bit of luck then!

Suffolk Police said there would be no further investigation but “words of advice” had been given to the driver.

No further action? There’s a surprise – but I’d like to have heard what those “words of advice” could have been…

Coffee wars

Here in Smalltown, there’s nothing we enjoy more than a jolly good cup of coffee!

We’re also very keen on promoting business and providing job opportunities for our youngsters.

So it’s particularly good news that Costa Coffee is looking to expand its premises in the town centre to provide another 80 seats. But, oh dear! It seems that not everyone is happy with the news.

Independent traders nearby are up in arms and are pleading with the council to reject the planning application because it will cost them business.

Of course we’re very open minded about competition and consumer choice here. Except when it’s in our own back yard!

Tickets still available…

We’re really looking forward to the annual Smalltown Music Festival even though, as we reported earlier, this year it’s been knocked down to 4 days instead of 4 weeks.

We were told that this was to inject a spirit of energy in to the proceedings. It would make us rush out to enjoy this frenetic but brief period of artistic excellence.

What a shame therefore to read in this week’s Smalltown Press that there are many tickets remaining unsold – so rush to buy yours now to avoid disappointment.

It is, of course, nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that there are so many events crammed into a much shorter period and people don’t actually want to attend three concerts a day.

No. Nothing to do with that at all!

Our councillors work jolly hard!

With the Council Elections out of the way, we’ve been reflecting on the attendance records of some of our Smalltown councillors over the last few years.

Shock! Horror! We find that only four of their number have been able to find the time to attend all their meetings. Indeed one of them has only managed half – so we asked him why.

“Well”, he replied, “I do my best but I do have a business to run and a life of my own outside politics. And then there’s the holidays. My wife does like us to travel a lot, so what can I do?”

Well, we’re a sympathetic lot here in Smalltown especially when dealing with a Tory in a safe seat, so we decided to give him another four years. After all, he needs the money to supplement his travels.

How very fair minded of us!

Free after three

Here in Smalltown we’re very keen on any new initiatives to promote trade amongst our local shopkeepers, so this week we’re pleased as punch that the council has agreed to introduce free parking in it’s town centre car parks after 3pm every Tuesday afternoon.

Mark Time, CEO of Smalltown Opportunities for Business (SOB), commented “On behalf of all the businesses in Smalltown who will benefit from the extra business this initiative will generate, I’d like to thank the council for making this happen. Knowing you can pop into town for some afternoon shopping without having to pay for parking is very welcome.”

We pointed out to the SOB that at this time of day the mums will be collecting their children from school, dads will be at work and most of the pensioners here have blue badges and park where they like anyway. And, in any case, the local car park only charges £1.30 for the afternoon which, frankly, is as cheap as chips!

“Well,” he said, “the market traders will appreciate people being able to just pop in and out again without risking getting a parking ticket.”

Maybe. Except market day is Wednesday.

We’re in a bit of a flap!

Seems there’s a bit of a problem here in Smalltown. The geese on the village green are causing a flap!

The council are so concerned about their welfare that, even in these time of austerity, they’ve decided to splash out on some traffic calming measures and electronic warning signs to safeguard our feathered aquatic friends. “Jolly good show”, I say!

One local told us that he’s lived there all his life and that in 69 years he can’t recall a single instance of a goose being hit by a car. The local landlord says that in the 28 years he’s been in pub on the green, he’s never seen an incident either. He went on “They rule the roost around here. It’s their village. When they want to cross the road, everybody stops!”

Never mind. Better safe than sorry!

A hole in the ground

There’s a parking problem here in Smalltown.

We have this wonderful historic square, surrounded by fine old listed buildings. But it’s being messed up by all those silly billies parking their cars on it. In the marked bays. In the car park. And paying for the privilege. Scandalous!

So the locals have come up with a plan. They want to dig it up and create an underground car park for 120 cars. Apparently this will make the problem go away because we’ll have spent millions and created exactly the same number of car parking spaces we already have.

But then nobody will use it because the people here are too tight even to pay £2.20 for a full day’s parking in the open air car park that’s nearly 400 yards away.

And it’ll look lovely while they’re building it, too!