The thing is – I know it’s hard to think about sunshine at this time of year, so what better time to try and slip a bit of planning permission for a new solar farm?
Well, it’s simply not going to work because here in Smalltown we’re very conscious of our environment and it’s important to preserve the countryside for future generations. Of course, taking care of the environment also means being aware of anthropomorphic global warming. Some of our residents can even spell it – but that doesn’t mean we’ll put up with ruining our superior lifestyles. Oh, no!
Never mind that it’s 200 metres away from the nearest house and surrounded by a 2 metre high fence. That’s not the point. As one of our prominent residents so succinctly put it “It looks like a bloody prisoner of war camp!
Whilst not being opposed to the idea of renewable energy, we are continuing our campaign to prevent this installation because we feel it will have a massively detrimental effect on our rural environment.“
So there you have it. Build it – but build it somewhere else.
A classic Smalltown solution.
Well, the festive season is nearly upon us and here in Smalltown we just love the festive season like no other time of year!
That’s why, this year, we’ve decided that our traditional Christmas Fair should be extended for an extra day. This year it’s going to be four days of fun and merriment! And it’s only November! We can scarcely contain our excitement!
All the usual things will be to hand; the moaning about the park and ride system, the complaints about the overcrowding, the extra hours spent in the traffic. Just like last year. And the year before.
But, of course, we locals take these things in our stride because it’s that time of year when we extract lots of lovely lolly from the punters, feel all pious because of the money jangling in our chugger tins and, most of all, enjoy the festivities.
And this year we got a lot to be thankful for. There’s the £30,000 worth of new Christmas lights and the nativity scene which, for the first time, will contain real penguins!
Of course Santa won’t know what these are because he lives at the North Pole and penguins live in Antartica – but who’s counting? It’s Christmas…
We’re so chuffed this week because one of our local independent restaurants has won an award! And we do so love to get awards here in Smalltown…
Of course, we’re jolly lucky here to be blessed with such an array of high quality eateries. It’s good to know that there’s a place for the small business amongst all those chains that blight other towns’ high streets.
The establishment in question was voted number 9 in the country in the CrapAdvisor Readers’ Poll for the best place to dine in the UK. Well, we just had to send our roving reporter along to find out what all the fuss was about.
“It was a genuine experience” he told us. “I only had to send the food back twice because it was stone cold and when I complained, they suggested that if I didn’t like their food then perhaps I would care to leave!”
Locals here in Smalltown are up in arms about the plans to create a new toll road to take the strain off our local thoroughfare.
Now you’d think that the populace would be pleased to see some investment being put into the local road network to ease congestion and make their journeys more tolerable – but you’d be wrong.
Smalltown people object on principal to paying for anything so the thought of having to pay a quid or two to avoid a well known local blackspot is making them positively apoplectic. After all, it’s not fair that they have to pay for it when people in the rest of the country don’t.
The principle that it is being built with private money and therefore is actually costing them nothing, and that you only pay for it if you use it is totally lost on them.
Mind you, these are the same people who rage about paying £1.50 for 8 hours parking while they go to work and who abandon their cars in the streets instead. Scandalous!
News this week from Suffolk crap town nominee, Bury St Edmunds, that their Business Improvement District promotion group Bid4Bury has been “so successful” that it’s changing it’s public face.
Asked why the change to “Ourburystedmunds”, their chief exec commented “The success of Ourburystedmunds means we have found ourselves with two brands that are essentially the same thing. We have had to use two different logos at times and it was in danger of becoming confusing.”
Their chairman added “We were finding that some people thought we were something to do with Bury in Lancashire!” Now I know people in Bury can be a bit slow, but surely even they realise they don’t live in the North West of England?
So there you have it: it’s all to do with being too successful and nothing whatsoever to do with fucking up by having two different names in the first place. Glad we cleared that up!
Here in Smalltown we’re very lucky to have our very own ‘Smalltown Opportunities for Business’ organisation dedicated to improving the prospects of this town that we’re all so lucky to live in.
One of the objectives of S.O.B. is to provide the employment opportunities of our residents through the promotion of local businesses and it’s good to see that they’re taking this seriously. Only a few months back you might recall they appointed a deputy to the chief S.O.B. and last week they announced the appointment of a new business development officer.
So that’s two off the dole queue. Keep up the good work!
A couple of weeks back, we revealed that Great Smalltown was up for the ‘Best Village’ award. Well, we’ve only jolly well gone and won it!
Of course, this is due to our exemplary community spirit. We’ve always known this is a special place to live and it’s great to get recognition externally for all the good work that goes on here.
The judging committee were also really, really impressed by our emergency response committee proving that we’re prepared for any eventuality! “What could this be?” I hear you ask. Perhaps an explosion of hot air or a spate of residents spontaneously disappearing up their own backsides?
And just to make us even more wonderful, the village has also scooped a prize and certificate for wildlife conservation from the County Wildlife Trust.
So don’t forget – it’s a lovely place to live and this proves how insufferably wonderful and full of ourselves we are.
Bet you wished you lived here!