Nothing gets the good people of Smalltown more worked up than the educashun of their kids – unless, of course, it’s religion.
So this week, they are getting really worked up. Seems the County Council has decided to move to a two tier school system instead of the existing three tier. Of course, the Smalltown catholic community opposes this because they have an excellent Catholic school in town and they don’t want it changed. Seems they think it should be an exception because it’s a faith school.
Meanwhile, the Little Smalltown primary school is also going to be closed down. Basically this is because it has fewer than 30 pupils and it’s just not practical to keep it open. This is, of course, a direct affront to the locals who see it as diluting the amenities of their community.
Seems you really can’t please all of the people all of the time…especially when they live in Smalltown!
Oh dear – it seems that we’re running out of volunteers to man our charity shops.
Here in Smalltown we have a fine tradition of giving of our time to help needy causes. It’s good to give and it gives us a nice warm feeling. So what’s the problem?
Well, there was news this week that the number of unoccupied shops in town was down from 10% to 8%. This is jolly good news isn’t it? Smalltown is rebuilding it’s vibrant shopping centre. Well done, us! Except, of course, that this is Smalltowm – a town which is, well, small. So the percentages sound good untill you translate them into numbers. Quite small numbers, actually. Mainly comprising a mixture of payday loan companies, bookmakers and -er – charity shops.
In fact, we’ve now got so many charity shops that there aren’t enough
mugs volunteers to man them.
And to make it worse, the local hospice has opened a brand spanking new out of town charity superstore with free on site parking. And if there’s one thing that Smalltowners really don’t like doing, it’s paying for their parking.
Seems charity begins at home – or at least just up the road where you can park for nothing…
It’s good to give.
We’re very green here in Smalltown.
We have our very own Household Waste Recycling Centre on the outskirts of the town handily placed just off the main by-pass road. And it works jolly well, too!
In fact it works so well that the council wants to add a waste transfer station on the site so that we can be even more green and recycle even more stuff. “Hurrah!” we say. “Another victory for common sense and the green lobby. Save the planet and all that stuff.”
Except that the locals are up in arms. They’re concerned about the impact of HGVs. And the odour. And the noise. So they’re raising a fighting fund and insisting on a public enquiry.
All this, of course, completely ignores that fact that HGVs already trundle down this road. And great big dust carts. These are, naturally, completely silent vehicles that are not in any way smelly or polluting. And the current tip is totally odourless as well.
Anyway, you’d never hear the noise over the roar of the by-pass even if there was any housing nearby – which there isn’t.
It’s clearly a totally unsuitable site.
Oh, no! It’s Smalltown Van Man!
You might have noticed there’s been quite a bit of rain about over the past few weeks. This rather unsurprisingly has caused some of our waterways to, well, well up a bit. They’re a little deeper than normal so it’s especially important to remember this when attempting to ford a river in your van.
Of course, here in Smalltown many of our residents believe that they can walk on water but now they also seem to believe that they can drive on it as well.
Just looked what happened to Clever Trevor when he tried to drive through a swollen river ford. Seems he was swept away and collided with another vehicle that had become submerged after attempting the same miraculous feat.
“It’s all the councils fault” he told our reporter. “They should have done something to close the road off. And just to make things worse, while it was abandoned in the river, somebody broke in and stole all me tools!”
And just to prove that in Smalltown there is no difference between wisdom and experience, please take note that it was a three car pileup…
Oh, dear! They’re going to build another solar farm in one of our wonderful Smalltown villages.
It’s actually quite a modest little installation – just 163 acres containing 118,000 panels generating 29Mw of electricity. And it’s conveniently sited next to a connection point to the National Grid. But that’s not the point. It’s going upset the birds. Four of them to be precise.
The proposal does point out that the panels will be raised and that sheep will be grazed underneath on what is otherwise poor agricultural land. It points out that this will provide an improved habitat for rare Breckland plants and that the neighbouring estate has already improved and area four time this size as an ideal habitat for our aforementioned feathered friends.
But that’s not the point.
There are two breeding pairs of Stone Curlews and they are an endangered species, so it simply cannot be allowed to go ahead.
Any shotgun owners out there fancy a spot of night time curlew hunting…?
Here in Smalltown, we’re very proud of our local football team. Oh, yes. After all, it was founded in the 1870′s and is one of the oldest football clubs in the country. We’re very, very proud of it and it deserves our wholehearted support!
However, there does seem to be a slight problem as you can see from the picture. Nobody is turning up to the matches and the club has run into financial problems. But we’re all pulling together. Three of our best players have decided to save us money by playing for someone else and the rest have taken pay cuts. It’s good to see players putting the club before personal considerations.
We asked the Chairman, Harry Ram, what the problem was and how we could resolve it. He said :
“We’re not on the verge of going bust, we’ve just got a temporary cash flow problem. Our biggest way of raising money is to get people through the gate. We’ve played well this season, but obviously getting knocked out of the FA Cup in the first round by a team three leagues below us hasn’t helped.
We used to get about 500 people through the gates last season, but that’s about halved this year. We need the town to get behind us. People buy food, put money across the bar and have a go at the raffle. Obviously that hits our takings if nobody turns up“
So there we have it. It’s all the supporters fault and absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we’re complete shite.
Never let it be said that we are slow to adapt to new technology here in Smalltown. Oh, no!
We’ve just launched our very own smartphone app to guide visitors around our beautiful market town. It shows you all the local landmarks. And there’s even an audio tour.
Our tourism officer explained. “This makes Smalltown’s history all that more accessible. By downloading the app people can make their own way around the places they want to see, when they want to see them. There’s the park, the public toilets, the chip shop – and we’ve some lovely pubs and cafes. The possibilities are endless!”
Of course, it’s no use to the locals. Most of them are so old they don’t know how to work a smartphone. In fact most them don’t even own one. We woke one them up from his slumber one of our sunny park benches to ask him why.
“Well” he explained, “I can’t work the buttons with me arthritis and even if a could then I couldn’t see the screen. Anyhow, I can’t walk far with me legs how they are!” Then he turned over and went back to sleep.
Still, it does prove there’s a nap for everything!